What makes people old?

So my sister is standing over me reading this as I write it. It's so sad. She doesn't have a life. I have to shake my head at her. I've been annoying my mom. She had a night out with some ladies at church last night and wow, it was pathetic in some ways. I mean, mom could be so much cooler and fun and more of herself if she wanted but no, she was talking about towels or something else as boring with a bunch of other moms last night. Who does that? It's a sign you're getting old in some cases. I don't think you are old by how you look or what age you are, I think people are old because they act like it. I'm not talking about them being mature or anything, I'm talking about being boring or talking about stuff like towels when you're out. I know some 70 year old people who I still consider young because they're fun and can relate what they want to anyone. They arn't irresponsible just because they're fun. I don't want grown ups trying to be friends with me like friends my age but I do like them to be my friends in their own grown up but not grown up sort of way. I don't think that made any sense but I don't think I can explain it any better then that.
We are about to go out somewhere. Where, we don't know, nor do we know why. I love not knowing what I'm going to do or why I'm doing it. I think being spontanious is a key part of life. Anyway, I have to go. My parents move like people on their death beds. I mean, if we're going to go somewhere then lets move. That's my philosophy anyway, but hey, I only have one short life on this earth so why not make the most of it? I'll try to write soon.
O, by the way, I know no one reads or follows this but if you happen to I like to hear thoughts about what you think. Not just on this topic but on other topics too. I like to know what others think and why they think that way. Sorry, just a side note.

Who are we really?

So I was thinking about who I am and about my life today. Does anyone really know what they want out of life? I mean, what you want can change in an instant. You can want to be the most successful person in your business one day and meet someone you fall for and that drive for success isn't what it was. You could also lose someone close to you that has died earlier then you expect and everything you thought you wanted isn't what it was anymore. So do we ever really know what we want or do we only know what we want for that time? I'm not sure. I know that when I die I don't want to be remembered for certain things. I want it to be said that I lived life to the fullest, enjoyed ever moment, helped others with their problems, loved, was loved, fun, and so many more things. I don't want to die with a bunch of regrets.
That got me to thinking about who I am. Who am I? Lately that question has bothered me. I don't really know to be honest. I guess I'm like a chameleon. When I'm at home I joke around, have a bad temper, laugh a lot, and love my family. When I'm at church I don't really talk to anyone but the kids in my childrens choir. I do talk to the youth some but don't really get involved with their lives. At school I'm the quiet girl who helps people whenever I can and just hangs out by myself. So you see, I kind of blend in and don't really have a constant in any regard. I don't mean to be like that. It's not like I go to school or church and plan on being the things I listed but it kinda happens. That's what I mean, I don't know who I am. A couple of days ago I thought about dressing slutty or gothic or prepy all the time but decided against it. I think I want to discover who I am my way. There is a lot of pressure about what people should act like in certain settings but I want to be myself in any setting. That's easier said then done I think.
I'm not sure what I should start with first. I think I'm going to start with my clothes. No, I'm not going to choose one category. That's not me. I like to dress in a way that shows what I'm feeling. I want to get tripp pants but no I'm not going fully gothic. I also want to get a tube top and a plaid skirt. The next step will be choosing what's right for me no matter what. See my parents like to control certain parts of my life and so does the rest of my family but I need to start making some decisions on my own. The next step- find my personality. I don't thin I can just go out and discover it in one instance but I think I will start over and see what I do and don't like. That should be interesting enough. Next I think I'll have to work on my planning skills and exercise more. I've gotten lazy lately. Not an easy thing to admit fyi. Anyway that's all I can think of now.
Mom and Cissy are coming back soon. They've been at my grandparents for 3 nights. It's been kinda nice. Dad and me just flow. Mom she likes things done her way. It gets kinda annoying. So I think I'll go and see what I can find to do and work on my plan. Hopefully I can keep my progress posted on here. It sounds like it's going to be easy but now that I think about it it's almost like rebooting a computer. I'm going to have to start from scratch. I think this is going to be fun. Well, until next time I shall bid you adeu. (I think that's how you spell it.)

true love/ buffy

So today was interesting. It has just dawned on me that my first full year as a college student is almost over. True, it doesn't just seem like yesterday that I was starting, actually it feels like a couple of years but still I think I should savor this. It will be my first and last time as a freshman in college.
I wonder if that's what life is like all the time. I mean you have the first year of elementary school, first year of jr. high, first year of high school, first year of college, first year in a job, first year as a couple, first year as a parent, and so many other areas. Sure we get to move up gradually in all these areas but really once we pass these then we start all over in another area. I mean, yeah, you don't pass being a parent or being married in my book but all the others you grow out of. You still have those experiences behind you but you move out of those areas and into something totally new. I guess that's what life is about, new experiences and growth.
Ok, so I was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer today. I know some don't approve of it and some think it's dumb but watching it actually has some good points. Take Buffy and Angel for instance. Do you know how powerful their love is? I mean they were both willing to sacrifice so much for the other. So it got me to thinking. I know I think about this topic a pretty good bit but still I think on this one issue I should have a pretty good idea about what I want. Have you ever stopped to think about what you want out of life? Buffy and Angel wanted to be together but they couldn't. Yeah they could for a little while but not all their lives. It's just hard. Their relationship got me to thinking.
I know some people in my life think I'm naive and that may be true in many instances but I don't think it is true when it comes to love. Yeah I believe partially in fairy tales. Not the part about "happily ever after" but about true love, about a pure love. I mean if we can dream this idea up it has to be out there right? If God could love us as much as the Bible says he does then true love could be out there right? I'm not saying it's the cinderella true love or any of those princesses but the kind where two people can't wait to see each other in the morning. The kind of love where even when they fight they can kiss and make up right after or only a short time after. One where forgiveness is available no matter what they do because they can't see living a day without that person. One where they want to be part of every aspect of the other's life but not in a 'I don't trust you so I'm going to spy on you way' but in a 'I love you so I want to know all there is to know about you and spend every single one of my days trying to find out kinda way'. Some don't think it's out there but I do. Why? One simple answer- faith. I have faith that I will find a love like that and spend the rest of our lives loving each other 'until death do we part'. That's my idea of true love. It may sound naive but I believe it's out there and I'll find it one of these days.
Anyway, that's what the show got me to think about. Yeah kinda mushy but who knows, I may find it soon.

bored

So right now I'm bored. I went to church this morning. My dad made me late though. He thinks he can wake up at the last minute and get ready fast enough but he can't. The main reason is he always has to have a cigaratte before we go. It all ended up ok.
We did go out and eat at an old timey restraunt. It wasn't that good. Mom liked it though so that was good. I get better home cooked food at our house or my mamaw's. I survived though.
I'm going to be going shopping later with some girls from church. They don't want to go to the mall I want to go to because they heard some people came in with guns and robbed it and now they think it's dangerous. I can understand their point of view but I'm not really that scared of guns. I figure I'll die when I die. So we are going to a ritzy out door mall. I like that mall too so it doesn't really make that much of a difference to me. The only thing with that mall is it doesn't have a Hot Topic. One of the girls is going to call me when they are on their way.
I have to go get ready. I hate being a girl sometimes. Not that I rather be a boy but sometimes they have it easier. I have to worry about what I wear because mom doesn't like me just throwing on an outfit and going. She doesn't think that's appropriate for a girl my age. I don't really care how I look as long as I'm comfortable. Anyway, I just wanted something to do for a couple of minutes but I have to go now. I'll probably write later on tonight.

laughter and smiles

So today was better then yesterday. I mean I had to get up early and I had math but it turned out to be a good day of class. I had to take a test and after the test that meant that I could leave. I only had to stay a hour and a half. When I got home both Christa and dad were asleep. Mom had stayed over at mamaw's last night. I can't remember if I told you that already. Kissy woke up at around 12 and around 2 we started to get hungry. So she and I went and woke up dad. We asked him to take us to our favorite pizza place. We both love it there. Its decore is definitely hippy and it's fun. He said he would take us but right as he was about to get ready my cousin called and asked if we could park his motorcycle in our garage. We said yeah and he said Mario would drop it off. Mario is a friend of the family. So we waited another 30 minutes until he showed up and then left to go eat. We made it and dad got to have his first taste of the best pizza in our town. He liked it but I'm not sure he liked it as much as Cissy and I do. Well, about that time mom called and we left and met her to look at 2 houses we are considering buying here in the next couple of months. Then we went to Belk with my grandparents and on top of that dad, mom, Cissy, and I went to Wal-Mart. I hate Wal-Mart. I mean it's great because it has some cool clothes and a bunch of stuff in one location but trying to get out of there is horrible. When we finally got out of there we came home. I was sooo happy. Although dad did buy Cissy and I Candy Land. I know it sounds juvenile but it's a fun game because it makes you remember what it's like to be a child again. I think a lot of people need to be reminded of that often. We can all use a little innocent fun in our lives.
So I do remember that I told you I would talk about laughter. I love laughing. I like being with people who make me laugh and I like making others laugh too. I feel sorry for people who can't seem to laugh or who don't laugh often. I found if you look hard enough there is always something to laugh at. If you have ever seen a kid throwing a fit, mind you not all fit throwing is funny, then you can laugh. If you have ever heard a horrible joke, one so horrible that you have to laugh then you can laugh. If you have ever fallen over your own feet or ran into a wall or any other number of things, then you can laugh. I always tell my family that the doctors say that laughter cures cancer so I'm taking a preventative dose. I shouldn't ever come down with cancer if I keep laughing as much as I do. Sometimes I get dumb with it, that's mostly when I'm tired. The thing about me is if I fake a laugh you can tell so I try not to, that's just rude in a way. I don't even try to find ways to make myself laugh, it just happens. When I'm tired and getting stupid with laughter it's kinda like a person who gets angry easy when they're tired or someone who gets droopy when they're tired. I just happen to get easily amused. If you don't believe me you should talk to one or two of my friends. They would sure tell you. I like the fact that it takes more muscles to frown then to smile. Funny how our normal facial expression isn't a frown or a smile, it's neutral. Now I have seen some whose normal facial expression is a frown and boy do I feel sorry for them. Someone asked me one time was I scared that I would have a lot of wrinkles on my face because I laughed and smiled so much. I told them no, I would gladly welcome any wrinkles if it meant I had a life full of laughter and moments to smile at. I think most people would and those who wouldn't be I wonder what kind of life they are going to have.
I know my thoughts aren't the wisest or best written words. I know they're not even close to being what most people consider smart. My thoughts can be sparatic at times but they are my thoughts and if people want to cratic them then that's ok, I just think it's sad they have nothing better to do with their time. If people don't like them then that's easy to, I say don't read them. I mean I don't really think I'll get a large following like some blogs get. I may not get even one or two followers but that's ok. I want a place where I can lay my thoughts out and be able to go back and see how my thinking has changed or not changed or how I use to think. I'm not one to dwell on the past but I think it's interesting that if I go back through my second grade drawings or writing I see a very raw form of writing. I think that can be seen with thoughts and feelings as well. That's why I write this first and foremost. If others benefit from it then I'm so happy. Even if someone finds my way of thinking amusing then I'm glad. I think the most important thing though is that I can write about what I'm feeling and seeing and doing and thinking because it helps me and my life.
I got to go now though. I have church tomorrow morning. I'll probably stay up late reading though and struggle to stay awake in church. I always do.

horrible to absolutely horrible

So, my morning was horrible. I woke up and felt like only got 2 minutes of sleep. My mom started yelling at me because I didn't want to get up. We were suppose to go to Meridian and dad hadn't been to sleep all night. So I finally get up and get ready and wouldn't you know it, things go from horrible to absolutely horrible. I get in the car and mom and dad are mad at everything under the sun. We stop by my grandma's job to leave the car in the parking lot and since we took separate vehicles we (mom and me) ended waiting on my sister and dad because they had stopped and got something to eat like I had expected. I told my mom they would but she didn't believe me so wouldn't take me to get something to eat. So not only was I tired and hungry but I was also cold. We finally get on the road and dad got madder and madder and mom got the same and I was ticked to the fullest extent and pretty much didn't talk a lot on the way there. We made it though and got everything worked out. I settled down, as did the rest of my family. Dad apologized and I couldn't stay mad. Mom didn't but I don't think she thought she did anything wrong so I didn't get upset that she didn't. I'll probably apologize tomorrow when we are all together. Mom slept over at my mamaw's.
That's what I love about my family though. No matter what we do or how much we argue and fight we know in the end we'll love each other. Trust me sometimes is it not easy. Anyone with a family would tell you that but it's worth it. All the heartache, misery, headaches, anger, and everything else I'm willing to put up with because I love them and they love me. I think a lot of people have forgotten that's how families are suppose to be. Most thing that the shows like Leave It To Beaver is the model of how families are suppose to be but that is so unrealistic. If there is a family like that I'm glad I'm not in it. It would freak me out. I mean can you imagine being that well behaved and that loving all the time? I sure can't, that would drive me crazy. That's why I'm glad that I'm in the family that I'm in. I don't have to pretend to be someone else. I can be myself even if that doesn't make them happy and they will love me through it. I wouldn't say they love me because of it though, although I think my family is a perfect combination. Each of us can make the others laugh and I think that's what's missing out of a lot of families today and a lot of lives and life in general, laughter. I'll probably write on here later about the subject of laughter because I love to laugh and have others laugh, even if it's at me, as long as they're nice about it. But I have to get off now. I have a math test in the morning. Not fun but I like my teacher so it's ok.

life undecided

So lately my life is not the best it's ever been or even close. I do have some good days but lately it's been more bad. I'm not depressed really, it's more like searching for something that I can't put my finger on. I don't understand how I let my life get this out of control. I mean I stopped going to the gym, I need to study more but can't seem to bring myself to, I stay in my room reading or watching tv when I'm home, and I don't really talk to anyone but Eddy and Jesse because a lot of times I don't even want to. I don't have any friends since I moved to Mississippi but that's also my fault. I don't ever really feel like getting out and hanging with people other then my family. I also need to get back to doing my daily devotions. Those always seem to help my day go smoother when I actually do them. I have to get my life back in order. I need to push myself to do the right things. The only problem with that is writing that on here is a lot easier then actually doing it. I guess no one ever said life was going to be easy. I'll just have to see what happens and if I will do what needs to be done.
On a happier note I watched the show "10 Things I Hate About You". It's based on the movie. The movie happens to be my favorite. So I finally watched the show. It's not my favorite but the guy on there, Patrick, that's almost the exact kind of guy I want. He's got enough hair a girl can run her fingers through it but not long enough to be mistaken for a girl. He has great abs and wears black. He's also bad but under all that rebellion and bad boy attitude he's a caring guy and pays attention to more then people give him credit for. The most important characteristic though is that he rides a motorcycle. I love guys on motorcycles and with tatoos but I don't think he had any of those. The only thing he was missing was the fact that he wasn't a Christian. A lot of my friends are not Christians and some are even nicer then the Christians I know but when it comes to a boyfriend or any kind of relationship in the romantic department he would definitely have to be a Christian. Which makes the guy I want to find virtually impossible to meet or find. Another thing is even if I found this exact kind of guy, what makes me think he would even want me? I'm just an average girl. I'm not even rebellious or secretive as most in my college. I actually have a relatively boring life. Maybe though, one day God will send along the right guy that he means for me.
Do you believe in love? I do. Not happily ever after but I do believe in true love. Not that it will make life so easy and there won't ever be fights or problems but the kind of love that if me and my boyfriend do have a fight he'll lift me up and spin me around and when he puts me down bring me in real close and kiss me, no matter how mad we are at each other then. The kind that faces problems together, not shies away from them. The kind that is built on mutual respect and trust and feelings. The kind that when you wake up every morning the first face you want to see is that of your love. That's the kind of love I'm talking about. Many believe love like that doesn't exist but I think if we can dream it up then it has to be out there somewhere. I also believe if a parents love and God's love are any examples that there could be a love for a man and a woman above parent's love but below God's love. I think it's out there because though I've hardly seen any relationships like that I have seen one or two that seem like that. That's what I want. That's what I pray for and believe I can find.
My life right now is so undecided that I'm not sure where I'm headed past tomorrow but I know it will all work out alright in the end. I know how my story ends. For right now though I'm going to live in the moment and love the people who are in the moment with me. Maybe my life isn't as caotic as I feel it is right now. Who knows what will happen tomorrow? I think that's the fun, no one knows what awaits for us on the morrow. One of my favorite quotes though says "If you always do what you've always done then you'll always get what you've always gotten." I want to do different things each day and see what comes of it. I want to go with the flow and enjoy the unexpected. That's what I want. I wonder if others know what they want.